Introduction
Marriage is a life-long vow to love your wife, provide for her, and protect her. It doesn’t take long, however for marriages to fall into ruts which they obligingly trudge through for decades. It isn’t that either husband or wife have done atrocious things (although this certainly will make the ditches deeper), but they’ve planted a field of landmines of ungodly attitudes and actions.
In both the inner and outer life, each spouse has decided to settle for “this is just the way things are” rather than deliberately laboring for holiness within their marriage. As men, the fault for every last action within the marriage may not be yours, but the responsibility is entirely on your shoulders. So, I want to address a few ruts which husbands, in particular fall into in their marriage, and offer a few steps of godly leadership to get out of such ruts.
Intimacy
The E on the eye chart for most men is the sexual vibrancy of their marriage. If sex is irregular (or entirely absent), if it is perfunctory, if she is regularly unresponsive, or sex is a constant source of contention, it can turn the joyful bodily partaking into a realm of mutual resentment. Men must remember that it is their duty to lead their wives entirely, and this includes in their sexual life.
Adopting the moodiness of a horny junior high boy will not suddenly turn your wife on to you. Neediness will certainly disincline her to give herself to you. So then, it is imperative that you have a biblical view of your sexuality. You are not a vessel of raging hormones. You are a lord of the earth, under the dominion of the Lord of Heaven and Earth; He has commanded you to take dominion…and this begins with your own desires. A steady contentment will go a long way to creating health in the bedroom. Sexual leadership requires you to remember that she is female and you are male, and she thrives on love expressed through stability and security, while you are fueled by admiration. This then should compel you to be admirable, hard-working, and gentle towards her. It also means that you must take initiative, but not just getting handsy in the kitchen. Sexual initiative looks like taking various financial, relational, and circumstantial burdens off her plate. If the finances are tight, if you’re not hustling, if you haven’t drawn clear boundaries with the overbearing in-laws, she will not suddenly find herself in the mood.
If, however, you refuse to be “needy”, and instead your attention and generosity is great toward her, you will have taken a step towards making your physical relationship warmer than it otherwise was. One writer put it this way, “Generally speaking, a man finds intimacy and acceptance through sex while a woman needs to first experience intimacy and acceptance before she can be prepared to enjoy sex.”
Anger
Too many Christian husbands have recognized that they aren’t allowed to yell, scream, and beat their wife, so they’ve opted to metamorphose their anger into a low-grade fever of seething resentment. It could be the aforementioned sexual distance that leads to a grumbling spirit. Or it may just be stress at work, trouble with the kids, or getting passed over for the promotion has led you to be in a continual funk. As Lewis shrewdly pointed out, there is a grave danger of not just being a grumbler but to become an endless grumble.
Consider these words from Proverbs 29:22 and 17:19 – “An angry man stirs up strife, And a furious man abounds in transgression. […] He loveth transgression that loveth strife: and he that exalteth his gate seeketh destruction.” Notice the close relationship between anger and transgression and self-exaltation. Brooding anger is often times a proof of pride and not humility. Jesus really does exemplify for us that true leadership is found in humble service; not the tepid “servant leadership” which vanilla evangelicalism presents. Rather, the sort of humble service that is joyful in bearing a bloody cross, overthrowing tyrants, driving out demons, tending the sick. Your cranky attitude is like salting your garden and then being surprised that it never blooms. This is an area that men must have mastery over so that their marriage really can be playful.
Attentiveness
Complacency can be deadly in every sphere of life. But if you’ve gotten into a routine within your home where you are habitually inattentive to your wife, she will also be inattentive to you. This takes real work and leadership to make sure that you put various distractions off to the side. Whether it be good things (i.e. an important work project, a good book, balancing the books, etc.) or simple distractions (i.e. that addicting video game, the social media food fight, the big game, etc.), your wife has a greater claim on your attention. Now, there can be times when couples can lean too far in the other direction and neglect other duties (like showing up to work on time).
However, “drifting apart” happens slowly and then all at once. You must not let your marriage drift. This means you need initiate conversations with your wife, listen when she’s sharing things with you (even when you think they are about a trivial matter), and pay close attention to how what she’s saying describes how she is feeling about it all. Don’t let her feelings govern your actions and decisions, but do not dismiss them outright. They are often the “low oil” light on your dashboard.
You need to make sure that you’ve set aside time to go over various logistics of married life. Something like a quick trip to a coffee shop after the kids are in bed is a good way to spend time talking about things on her mind.
Parenting
It is important for Christian parents to remember that raising their children is secondary to their marriage. From a spiritually healthy marriage will usually flow spiritually healthy children. But we must beware of the sorrows that come from inattentiveness in our parenting: “He that begetteth a fool doeth it to his sorrow: and the father of a fool hath no joy (Pro 17:21).” Here as well, you are responsible for setting the tone and trajectory of the instruction and correction of your offspring.
Wives will be more trigger shy when it comes to discipline, and they can often convince the husband that he needs to take it easy on the kids. It may be that you’re going over the top with how you’re disciplining. This comes back to the previous section, if you have pointed conversations with each other you will be able to dial in your discipline standards together. Lead her towards consistent firmness, while she can help you soften up in the right directions. The last thing you want to do is put parenting on cruise control, make assumptions, and be hands off.
Dollas
One rut that has been hinted at, but needs to be addressed directly is the problem of money. Or rather, the absence of money! There are two directions husbands fail their wives financially. One is too be absent-minded about the need to budget well, foresee needs, work hard to bring in extra income, and so on. A failure to lead your wife financially is like taking a hammer to her emotional kneecap. But the other direction of failure is to earn well, but be stingy with it. Husbands need to lead by providing a clear structure for their wife to be free to spend within, and then trust her implicitly with that spending. Lack of money will cause stress, but lack of trust will cause even more stress. A wife who maxes out the credit cards is crying out for clarity, communication, and financial leadership from her husband. Earn as much money as you can, and be as generous with it as you can, and let your wife be the first recipient of that generosity.
Conclusion
If you’re in one or more of these ditches (or all!) don’t despair. No black-pills. Rather, start tonight by taking a step out. Don’t be content with an icy marriage. Don’t think this is the way it has to be. If the ground is hard, turn it over and fertilize it. Two actions will go a long way: taking responsibility and acting generously.
Leave a Reply